How Big Is It?

Who doesn't love a good dick shot? Well, these guys figured they'd use real-life examples for comparison to demonstrate the size of their dicks since everyone is hip the instant eight-inch dick phenomena online. You know, everyone's dick size starts at eight inches in online cruising profiles.

Are you not familiar with the formula of creating the statistics for your ad? Here is how it goes: Weight is reduced by three-fourths the amount of the waist size. So if you have a size 40 waist, take off thirty pounds. Age only goes in reverse once you hit 35; take off a year for each birthday. HIV status is whatever it was when you were 11 years old, before the priests started molesting you.

Dick size always starts at eight inches, with an extra half-inch added for each real inch. So if you have a four-inch dick (which is a good size since it is the only one you have), you wind up with a ten-inch dick. Below are creative approaches to making math sexy again.

Ahhh… nothing like good old advertising.

The colorful circles are meant to highlight the potential length and girth of the soft dick, yet somehow not be as tacky and senseless as they are. Are they quarter-sized or half-dollar sized or Canadian Two-nie sized? Try again.

The TV remote control. This one is for Cable Vision. Now we know how big Batman really is!

Go Cable Vision, sponsor of dick-measuring! What channel is he on? Look at that bush.

A new porn cable provider has emerged:  Cumcast!

Phone bone, anyone?

The Palm Treo 700. Why didn't Palm use this strategy to show how much smaller their handsets are when compared to Blackberry? And RIM could have run to the bank with a similar visual for their African-American-targeted ad campaigns, because "Once you go black, you don't go back."

The booze bottle/can. Now you know what kind of guy he is based on his drink preference.

Bud=easy pick-up of average out-of-shape guy at the jock bar or leather bottom who took a cab and didn't ride his imaginary hog to the S&M bar. (He likes to suffer. Why else would he drink that swill?)

Samuel Adams Light=frat boy with aspirations of being a boring banker. Belly up in bed. A tricky investment, no matter how attractive the package.

Smirnoff Arctic Berry=Modern fruit; might take more than one drink to get to his dumpy apartment (profiled elsewhere in this blog) that he keeps a secret from his Architectural Digest buddies.

A bottle of lube. Now you know what sort of spermicide rash you can expect to get when you mess with him. At least he is playing safely. The cock is hot, but the manicure is turning me off. And his sac is looking out of whack.

Spray-on Pam Olive OIl is this generation's Crisco. Doesn't dry up no matter hot it gets. Best used with Teflon condoms.

Is that Monopoly money? I'll take the Reading Railroad to Park Place for $1, please.

A mouse. A necessity for online-cruising. Is this the Lord of the Dell? Great composition. Another product endorsement strategy missed by Dell.

Holy 20 inches, Batman! This guy says his dick is 20 inches. Check the text below the photo. Again, the failure of self-reporting. A nice dick, but nowhere near 20 centimeters, let alone over a foot -and-a-half!

A ruler. Your man may be nerdy, especially with that custom-print mouse pad of his girlfriend's face. He knows there is no disputing the power of a wooden ruler, particularly since he is into spanking. I clock it at nine-and-a-half inches. That mouse pad chic is getting it good!