Clean Your Messy Ass

Where should I start with this mess?! Look at all that shit. Get him a dumpster for the over-decorated fake Xmas tree, the chess set... and that electric cable behind his shit-piled bed means he is hot!

Baby got back, and mismatched classic petite bourgeoisie wooden furniture. Look at all that crap by the staircase. That lampshade under the chair must be really useful. And what is all that shit on the Cuisinart box and table? Put away those clothes on the staircase banister. Call a gay man with taste to decorate your home or you ain't gettin' no dick muthafukkah!

What a fukking mess! My skin crawls from this clutter. I'd say throw a stick of dynamite in that apartment, but I think that was already done! He's got stuffed animals playing instruments piled on top of what is probably years worth of junk.

What is all that shit? Send the dumpster down to his house if there is any room in it after the Xmas clean up in the first shot. And with all of these cats, I have to wonder how they think this is appealing or attractive. I gotta go scrub the grout in my bathroom floor tiles now. Please excuse me.

July 4th Repost Part 1

This is a repost from earlier in the year. Just in time for the big holiday weekend, here is a long-overdue collection of misguided photos culled from the best online hook-up sites, all resplendent in their brand of American tact. This month's theme focuses on the beauty of distinctly American decorating styles. Let me know which guy(s) you like and I will put you in touch.

This guy is actually a neighbor. He lives in a storage closet, where he has everything he needs from A to Z, including $4 mesh Jocko underwear from Daffys.

This is the first guy's roommate. They are not the Odd Couple, and get along very well since both of them possess the decoration and cleaning traits of Oscar Madison. I'd fuck him no matter how hideous that painting on the wall is. And do you think he needs that small fake Bose stereo if he has that giant speaker right next to it, the one with the lamp wedged against it? And how old is that vacuum cleaner under the piano?

This poor kid spent all of his money on those endless tall stacks of DVDs and can't afford to lease the adjoining closet to the one he has thoughtfully decorated with a local bar rag porn calendar, which is precariously just an inch above the power strip that is overloaded with electric air polluter night lights. And whose foot is that on the plaid bedspread? How old do you think the photo is, gauging by the year 2000 cow-girl Madonna video playing on the large TV behind him? I won't gamble with him, despite the bulge behind his dice.

Grandma must have been taking a nap in the backroom of the family-owned funeral parlor/bridal chamber while grandson took this photo up front. The presence of the white faux silk curtains gestures at his innocence.

This next work of art features classic American craft work. The minimalist composition expertly juxtaposes natural and artificial fabrics with round and square geometric shapes. The centering of the the trees in the background is slightly off so as to draw more attention to the two mountains in the foreground. This artist celebrates the natural beauty of hiking and Christmas year round.

More Hotties

That is hot mess. This first guy is actually very sweet: he accepts food stamps for his services.

This next guy is following the recent trend of posing in a young girl's bedroom. Check out those hot kiddie pop star posters on the walls. Zac's got back!

This guy better be making outcalls only. You do not want to meet him in his disaster closet.