Ancient

I was poking around and had to snatch this photo off a site! It was begging for an exposé.

I am not blind, and that is why I could view this photo. Stevie Wonder could see that there is something wrong. In this guy's photo we can see both he and a distinct pair of buildings that existed between 1971 and 2001. Before 2001, maybe he could have used this photo from 1987 and said it was from 1997; that is not the case in 2007 and beyond. Most people in the world, especially in New York City, are very much aware that the World Trade Center's Twin Towers collapsed rather dramatically and sinisterly over eight years ago.

Today's tip for all online cruisers who post VERY old photos is to not get caught by using said obviously VERY old photos that blatantly insult the viewers when your profile states that you require "recent photos" from respondents. This is almost as bad as posting only black and white photos of yourself because the only time you looked as young  as you did in your photos was before color photography was invented.

His tank top could be an authentic 1980s BVD polyester, or it could be a contemporary replica. Should I contact him to radioactive date his ancient outfit?

Fun + Fright

After spending more time figuring out this crappy interface, I realized that I had truncated a few posts by adding a "jump" that continued the fierce posts on another page. Whoops! Please review all of the older posts for now-revealed gems! To celebrate, indulge in more fright at http://www.luriddigs.com. That site features a more robust set of features and frights with much in common with Not Shots. But they are in the big league and have a huge amount of momentum and vicious reads. Big up to Lurid Digs!

Alright. Onto the mayhem of messy men. This posting is a little disturbing. I found these photos wherein perhaps the men were not aware of the potential to freak out possible tricks.

Here is G.I. Joisy playing Denzel Washington in Courage Under Fire with his boys at the paintball killing fields. First of all, this photo is about as old as Stalag 17. I say this not only cuz this dude has been using the same photo since 14.4K modems, but also because who the hell is playing paintball anymore? That fad went out of style while Bill Clinton was in office. OK, maybe there is a butch costume fetish appeal, and the guy is serving mug too under my Hot Shots identity-saving eye bar, but I cant help but think of how terrifying armed groups of (para-) military can be. Think CIA-funded death squads, Black Water, NYPD, LAPD, etc. Aside from that, notice how he has the shaft of the "gun" positioned in his crotch. 

This is really scary. He has a fucking chainsaw, a severe smile, and is holding down that cute lil pup who is gonna get get sliced up like that tree branch on the right. The Chainsaw Manicurist (thanks to punk tranny Legend Jayne County for that song title [http://jaynecounty.com[) has a skull illustration on his shirt to boot. If you still find him pursuable, don't go to his house or opt to meet for a nice walk in a secluded woods. That is my best advise. Clearly, he is looking for attention with his disposable-once-covered-in-your-blood plastic orange pants. And he's got Princess Leia scream-canceling headphones too. He's serious.

Speaking of skulls, this is wild! Imagine hooking up with a guy and he wants to take pictures of you as he is giving you head. But instead of pulling out a camera, he wheels out an Xray machine! Nah, it ain't some giant format old-school bellows film camera, it's a fucking Xray machine! I wonder if he sets their online screen names in the lead at the bottom of the plate ("Dr. Love"). So this is more weird than scary. Upon closer inspection, this guy has a ton of cavities with fillings. Too bad. Maybe all that xray radiation is demineralizing his teeth. Notice the close proximity between his first cervical vertebrae, atlas, and occiput. Time to call the chiropractor. At least he'll have xrays ready. 

This guy is gonna need an xray if he slips on his ass juice and Crisco and busts his booty wide open with that bat! This really challenges the guidelines for safer sex, or common sense. Maybe laying down and shoving the bat up inside his backside would be less risky. That takes away from the thrill surely. That lonely fat butplug on the floor is of no use anymore now that he can take a tree limb. Next, he will be riding fire hydrants. I think the Gay Games should consider anal expansion as a competitive category. Forget being hung like a horse. You need to be hung like an elephant for this bat boy to feel anything. 


And what about splinters in your hemroids? Wouldn't an aluminum bat be a wiser choice? Now, is that a stack of green sponges by his right leg for when he breaks his water and needs to mop up his miscarriage? Good luck to Slugger trying to make a home run to jam more cunt rags up his hole with all his innards dragging behind him like a dragon tail. And when his mom visited last week, she didn't think he was a freak judging by those subdued green gingham shower curtains.

All these guys must not give a damn about what people say. Alright! They are probably thinking what Jayne County sings in her song "If You Don't Want To Fuck Me, Fuck Off!" which can be heard here (I could not find an online version of Texas Chainsaw Manicurist)  http://homepage.ntlworld.com/shaun.morris/AudioVideo/fuck.mov

Public/Pubic

Who can resist a nudist? Here are a few of outdoor photos of friendly neighborhood exhibitionists. Up first is this very formal classical violinist in an elegant tuxedo.

Surely he is a big hit with the local parents.

What a lovely day to sniff the daisy chains. I like the minimal body decoration in the form of the flowering weeds next to him.

Not quite a Herb Ritts photo, bud good enough for Not Shots. If he is unaware that his pants have fallen down, do you think he'll be able to figure out what's wrong with the engine? Time for a lube job!

It must be hard to get a ride as a hitch hiker if you have to resort to tossing your clothes. "Taxi! Follow that ass!"

In Your Area

This map and the accompanying ad text say it all:

 

Looking for local hookups.

Check the Bronx map

Green zones flexible and prefered

Red zone never on your life.

Yellow, sometimes, maybe.

Other zones, we can talk but

chances are I wont go there.

All of Manhattan south of

155th St is maybe but we need

to talk. Don't assume. 

Green Zone Codes are:

10466. 10467, 10469, 10462, 10461

10460, 10459, 10472, 10473, 10474

10455, 10454, 10465

Classy Ass

OK. Is this guy living in the closet or what? Can you imagine balling him in there with his face buried in a pile of shoes on the floor while you are inhaling moth ball fumes from the shelves? That has the makings of a hot fetish scene. Curtains go with the Xmas mess from the previous post. Excellent compositional balance with the ass centered between two sets of textiles.

This kid is sublime. His ass is positioned right above the quilt patch that is in the shape of a pussy. Utter brilliance.

This is genius advertising for Hennessy; try the Hennessy Black line next time for added effect. Nice ass too. Forget all that crap piled up in the background though. How safe is this though? I'd switch to plastic.

Clean Your Messy Ass

Where should I start with this mess?! Look at all that shit. Get him a dumpster for the over-decorated fake Xmas tree, the chess set... and that electric cable behind his shit-piled bed means he is hot!

Baby got back, and mismatched classic petite bourgeoisie wooden furniture. Look at all that crap by the staircase. That lampshade under the chair must be really useful. And what is all that shit on the Cuisinart box and table? Put away those clothes on the staircase banister. Call a gay man with taste to decorate your home or you ain't gettin' no dick muthafukkah!

What a fukking mess! My skin crawls from this clutter. I'd say throw a stick of dynamite in that apartment, but I think that was already done! He's got stuffed animals playing instruments piled on top of what is probably years worth of junk.

What is all that shit? Send the dumpster down to his house if there is any room in it after the Xmas clean up in the first shot. And with all of these cats, I have to wonder how they think this is appealing or attractive. I gotta go scrub the grout in my bathroom floor tiles now. Please excuse me.

Hot Bird

Nothing like a big bowl of Apple Jocks to get ya going in the morning.

That is a big hot cock, but I am not sure if I want to meet at his messy place. His Messy Place Only!

Nice foreskin. Nice snowman sheets on your kids bed from three winters ago.

Halloween Tricks

Inspired by the frights of Halloween, here is my latest round of tasteless online hook-up photos culled over the summer and early fall.

First up, we have a violator of the main rule of advertising yourself on Adam4Madame: Use recent photos! 1994?! Nothing about this photo is sexy (dirty shirt, shit on the dresser behind him, uninspired look on his face that does not draw you closer), so it is a wonder he hasn't gotten rid of his photos entirely, perhaps getting luckier with the aura of mystery.

"Thank you...I think." This guys seems so unsure, but he is appreciative at least. Does he really have to beg you to look at his profile, bribing you with a cake? Go fake Yankees jersey! Maybe I will hit him up to ask about the potentially interesting painting in the background shadows.

OK. Here is something pretty after all that mess. He is cute, but what is up with the whiteout over the friend with the nice tits? If he has the software to draw all over his ex-boyfriend's face, it seems likely that he might have a cropping feature in that program or a pair of scissors. This photo must be 10 years old since no one is drawing over their companion's faces anymore.

If these guys are gay, how come they have no decoration sense? Just look at that massive set of theatre curtains he has in his bedroom. They must have been leftover from Liberace's last show at the Stardust in Las Vegas back in 1974. Fucking in my grandmother's bedroom is not hot. I won't even get into that belt (his pants are another story though ;).

Does his little sister know that he jacks off and takes photos of himself in her bedroom? Maybe SHE is the one snapping the camera! Holly Hobby decor is very retro.

Just because the set designer didn't need all of the plastic flowers from the Jack Smith biographical documentary film shoot does not mean that you should bring them home and turn your house into a toxic fire hazard and eye sore.

How many clashing patterns can you count? And what about those TWO calendars on the wall, one of them featuring hunks, right next to the collection of cheap plush animals resting atop the faux wood headboard with the stickers on it. And get your dirty kicks off of my spread!

And the winner of the worst online hook-up photo this week, in his macho Halloween splendor, is this queen of the rodeo.

July 4th Part Two

Sorry ya'll, but this blogger interface for post-formulation is as messy as some of these photos. What should I expect for free? Here is the second half of July 4ths repost.

In the next photograph, we witness the emergence of a gentle giant from a child's playhouse. This traditional theme evokes many emotional reactions from viewers. How do we know he is a gentle giant and not a deranged ogre despite the look on his face? Why, it must be that he carries love for little children in his soul given that the small house he lives in has a heart carved out of the tiny door he can barely fit through. Note the patriotic gesture of the nation's flag in the front garden. It is a perfect touch for our upcoming Independence Day!

Last but not least, is an archival photograph, circa 1990. It was brought out from the library to solicit responses from older gentlemen who still fondly relish the days of scouring the best $10 clothing stores for the choicest cutting edge fashions on Roosevelt Avenue in Jackson Heights and at the Fulton Street Mall in downtown Brooklyn, as if to summarize the joy de vivre of the period. Pay special attention to the then-contemporary vernacular that characterizes the expression of the subject in the photograph: "WORK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" The use of thirteen exclamation points emphasizes that the glory days are back!

July 4th Repost Part 1

This is a repost from earlier in the year. Just in time for the big holiday weekend, here is a long-overdue collection of misguided photos culled from the best online hook-up sites, all resplendent in their brand of American tact. This month's theme focuses on the beauty of distinctly American decorating styles. Let me know which guy(s) you like and I will put you in touch.

This guy is actually a neighbor. He lives in a storage closet, where he has everything he needs from A to Z, including $4 mesh Jocko underwear from Daffys.

This is the first guy's roommate. They are not the Odd Couple, and get along very well since both of them possess the decoration and cleaning traits of Oscar Madison. I'd fuck him no matter how hideous that painting on the wall is. And do you think he needs that small fake Bose stereo if he has that giant speaker right next to it, the one with the lamp wedged against it? And how old is that vacuum cleaner under the piano?

This poor kid spent all of his money on those endless tall stacks of DVDs and can't afford to lease the adjoining closet to the one he has thoughtfully decorated with a local bar rag porn calendar, which is precariously just an inch above the power strip that is overloaded with electric air polluter night lights. And whose foot is that on the plaid bedspread? How old do you think the photo is, gauging by the year 2000 cow-girl Madonna video playing on the large TV behind him? I won't gamble with him, despite the bulge behind his dice.

Grandma must have been taking a nap in the backroom of the family-owned funeral parlor/bridal chamber while grandson took this photo up front. The presence of the white faux silk curtains gestures at his innocence.

This next work of art features classic American craft work. The minimalist composition expertly juxtaposes natural and artificial fabrics with round and square geometric shapes. The centering of the the trees in the background is slightly off so as to draw more attention to the two mountains in the foreground. This artist celebrates the natural beauty of hiking and Christmas year round.

More Nots

This is not the worst, but was found around Easter. He is clearly very spiritual. This guy is well put together but did not notice one of his candles had fallen off of his alter. Or is that a can of Lysol?

This guy has pride!

Imagine the size of his ego. He has a giant mural of himself! I hope that they are painting over it with a car ad.

What Power ranger is this? Check out those curtains and floor patterns.

Hot ass + mops always turn me on. Too bad he didn't crop out the pimple/herpes blister on his right leg.

Another bottom with no tact. He needs a good silhouette demonstration.

Beauties

I love how the red leather motorcycle jacket matches the Tickle Me Elmo doll. His house cleaner must be off this year.

Speaking of stuffed animals... This is a good use for the dolls that are usually in the background, offsetting any possible possible allure of the subject in the foreground.

Maybe he got bored cruising online and took up needle work. This queen took knitting in such a wrong direction with her cock sock.

This one gets the Butch Realness award. In his other photos, he's brandishing two silver 38 revolvers!

Too much time at the salon. Where did her eyebrows go? I dare this beauty queen to spend a night in the garage of the previous guy.

The gun is a little scary. Does he want it up his ass? Or is he gonna tie you up with the bootlaces on the right? A windowless basement apartment is never a good sign.

More Hotties

That is hot mess. This first guy is actually very sweet: he accepts food stamps for his services.

This next guy is following the recent trend of posing in a young girl's bedroom. Check out those hot kiddie pop star posters on the walls. Zac's got back!

This guy better be making outcalls only. You do not want to meet him in his disaster closet.