How Big Is It?

Who doesn't love a good dick shot? Well, these guys figured they'd use real-life examples for comparison to demonstrate the size of their dicks since everyone is hip the instant eight-inch dick phenomena online. You know, everyone's dick size starts at eight inches in online cruising profiles.

Are you not familiar with the formula of creating the statistics for your ad? Here is how it goes: Weight is reduced by three-fourths the amount of the waist size. So if you have a size 40 waist, take off thirty pounds. Age only goes in reverse once you hit 35; take off a year for each birthday. HIV status is whatever it was when you were 11 years old, before the priests started molesting you.

Dick size always starts at eight inches, with an extra half-inch added for each real inch. So if you have a four-inch dick (which is a good size since it is the only one you have), you wind up with a ten-inch dick. Below are creative approaches to making math sexy again.

Ahhh… nothing like good old advertising.

The colorful circles are meant to highlight the potential length and girth of the soft dick, yet somehow not be as tacky and senseless as they are. Are they quarter-sized or half-dollar sized or Canadian Two-nie sized? Try again.

The TV remote control. This one is for Cable Vision. Now we know how big Batman really is!

Go Cable Vision, sponsor of dick-measuring! What channel is he on? Look at that bush.

A new porn cable provider has emerged:  Cumcast!

Phone bone, anyone?

The Palm Treo 700. Why didn't Palm use this strategy to show how much smaller their handsets are when compared to Blackberry? And RIM could have run to the bank with a similar visual for their African-American-targeted ad campaigns, because "Once you go black, you don't go back."

The booze bottle/can. Now you know what kind of guy he is based on his drink preference.

Bud=easy pick-up of average out-of-shape guy at the jock bar or leather bottom who took a cab and didn't ride his imaginary hog to the S&M bar. (He likes to suffer. Why else would he drink that swill?)

Samuel Adams Light=frat boy with aspirations of being a boring banker. Belly up in bed. A tricky investment, no matter how attractive the package.

Smirnoff Arctic Berry=Modern fruit; might take more than one drink to get to his dumpy apartment (profiled elsewhere in this blog) that he keeps a secret from his Architectural Digest buddies.

A bottle of lube. Now you know what sort of spermicide rash you can expect to get when you mess with him. At least he is playing safely. The cock is hot, but the manicure is turning me off. And his sac is looking out of whack.

Spray-on Pam Olive OIl is this generation's Crisco. Doesn't dry up no matter hot it gets. Best used with Teflon condoms.

Is that Monopoly money? I'll take the Reading Railroad to Park Place for $1, please.

A mouse. A necessity for online-cruising. Is this the Lord of the Dell? Great composition. Another product endorsement strategy missed by Dell.

Holy 20 inches, Batman! This guy says his dick is 20 inches. Check the text below the photo. Again, the failure of self-reporting. A nice dick, but nowhere near 20 centimeters, let alone over a foot -and-a-half!

A ruler. Your man may be nerdy, especially with that custom-print mouse pad of his girlfriend's face. He knows there is no disputing the power of a wooden ruler, particularly since he is into spanking. I clock it at nine-and-a-half inches. That mouse pad chic is getting it good!

Beautiful

How many "health and beauty aide" products do you use? I am easy.  A single bar of soap is in my shower. The few other bottles of lotion, mouthwash, etc. are neatly hidden below the sink or in the "medicine" cabinet above the sink in the bathroom.

Who needs to be assaulted by a graveyard of nearly empty bottles collecting dust the minute they walk into the bathroom or wake up and sit up in bed to look at the pile of crap on the dresser top, a seen below? Gross. Clean your fucking house and put some damn art up above the dresser.

First we have this dude with crap all over the place, including too many beauty products on the dresser. Somewhere in there are the essentials like a jewelry box, tissues, dildo, and remote control. Start digging for 'em. Is that a maple syrup bottle next to the gallon of water?

American Eagle may be packing trade, but the overflow of dirty old bottles of shit turns me off and makes my American Eagle take a nose dive. Get organized, horder.

Army man is hot, but the whole place is a mess. I bet he lost his belt somewhere in that hole. The jewels of the crown are in the right-hand corner: He could not fit another near-empty bottle of nasty Latrine mouth was up there.

This beauty queen is not giving me sex appeal in the drugstore's makeup aisle. Go the "Family Planning" section and stand in front of the condoms, and not the female condoms.

The eyebrow waxer has his twenty (really) products in check on the shelves. He is clearly high-
maintenance, and is too self-involved to have realized he could have butched up this photo slightly by taking the photo from the other side, thereby cropping out the fade creams.

Tripping

I've just completed a year-long world tour, scouring the lowest depths of mankind's internet hook-up sites, collecting offensively wrong photos that men think will make them sexy and want you to fuck them. They are just fucked!

Hearing that she missed me, I paid a visit to grandmother's house. Through the woods I went, wearing my red clitoral hood, dodging bear traps and police. Woodsy Owl tipped me off about who needed to be exposed for the aesthetically senseless men they are. Take a look.

The first stop at grandmother's house is the living room, where her charming adolescent grandson (who is also cruising online) greets us in front of the hutch filled with books no one was read in 25 years, presenting his latest 8th grade current events collage. Sexy! Shall I sit on the shit-covered pink love seat of on the movie theater-red sofa beneath the exposed bulb of the shaft lamp that looks like it is about to fall over set the horror house ablaze?

At the other side of the living room, a gorgeous gentle lion portraits rests above the welcoming plaid couch. Cousin Mike is modeling his new drawers here since the lighting from the $20 hardware store chandelier is ever-flattering.  

Near cousin Mike is the very futuristic Johnnie (March 2011 date stamp), who enthusiastically flashed me a "hail Satan" or whatever hand gesture in front of the family portrait draped with PalmSunday church souvenirs. I can;t recall what he was watching on television, but the Holly Hobby dolls on the TV set and infants toys on the floor may have been moor interesting. Love his chewed navy blue manicure and poodle hairdo.

In the recreation room, Papo could be seen showing off not only his orange thong, but his body that he'd been pumping up in the garage gym. Feeling showy, he posed for two photos. He seemed happy to have an actual human being as an audience since he'd grown tired of flexing for the unresponsive thumb-sucking doll on the wagon wheel chair that was propped up on the nightstand in front of the window and the disinterested naked woman figuring lamps.

After all that photo-taking, I headed to grandma's kitchen to see who'd be snacking in there and maybe taste her delicious pot pie. Ah, #19 is here, but with a 2005 feeling (see the date stamp). Look at that beautiful flower lace curtain framing him. And what is al that crap on the fridge? The plastic covering the drop ceiling light is downright hot! I hope when I come in for a midnight snack, I can tell the difference between the Lysol, ant poison spray, and whipped cream atop the cupboard on the right.

Upstairs, the twins are enjoying some quiet time meditating on the splendid wall paper and matching drapes.

After the long journey, I was ready for a nap, but Sexy_Ass_2001 was already sleeping in the bed comfortably covered in children's Ralph Lauren knock-off sheets, bordered by two different faux wood paneling styles.

I think I will settle in right next to him since he looks so inviting.

Ancient

I was poking around and had to snatch this photo off a site! It was begging for an exposé.

I am not blind, and that is why I could view this photo. Stevie Wonder could see that there is something wrong. In this guy's photo we can see both he and a distinct pair of buildings that existed between 1971 and 2001. Before 2001, maybe he could have used this photo from 1987 and said it was from 1997; that is not the case in 2007 and beyond. Most people in the world, especially in New York City, are very much aware that the World Trade Center's Twin Towers collapsed rather dramatically and sinisterly over eight years ago.

Today's tip for all online cruisers who post VERY old photos is to not get caught by using said obviously VERY old photos that blatantly insult the viewers when your profile states that you require "recent photos" from respondents. This is almost as bad as posting only black and white photos of yourself because the only time you looked as young  as you did in your photos was before color photography was invented.

His tank top could be an authentic 1980s BVD polyester, or it could be a contemporary replica. Should I contact him to radioactive date his ancient outfit?

Fun + Fright

After spending more time figuring out this crappy interface, I realized that I had truncated a few posts by adding a "jump" that continued the fierce posts on another page. Whoops! Please review all of the older posts for now-revealed gems! To celebrate, indulge in more fright at http://www.luriddigs.com. That site features a more robust set of features and frights with much in common with Not Shots. But they are in the big league and have a huge amount of momentum and vicious reads. Big up to Lurid Digs!

Alright. Onto the mayhem of messy men. This posting is a little disturbing. I found these photos wherein perhaps the men were not aware of the potential to freak out possible tricks.

Here is G.I. Joisy playing Denzel Washington in Courage Under Fire with his boys at the paintball killing fields. First of all, this photo is about as old as Stalag 17. I say this not only cuz this dude has been using the same photo since 14.4K modems, but also because who the hell is playing paintball anymore? That fad went out of style while Bill Clinton was in office. OK, maybe there is a butch costume fetish appeal, and the guy is serving mug too under my Hot Shots identity-saving eye bar, but I cant help but think of how terrifying armed groups of (para-) military can be. Think CIA-funded death squads, Black Water, NYPD, LAPD, etc. Aside from that, notice how he has the shaft of the "gun" positioned in his crotch. 

This is really scary. He has a fucking chainsaw, a severe smile, and is holding down that cute lil pup who is gonna get get sliced up like that tree branch on the right. The Chainsaw Manicurist (thanks to punk tranny Legend Jayne County for that song title [http://jaynecounty.com[) has a skull illustration on his shirt to boot. If you still find him pursuable, don't go to his house or opt to meet for a nice walk in a secluded woods. That is my best advise. Clearly, he is looking for attention with his disposable-once-covered-in-your-blood plastic orange pants. And he's got Princess Leia scream-canceling headphones too. He's serious.

Speaking of skulls, this is wild! Imagine hooking up with a guy and he wants to take pictures of you as he is giving you head. But instead of pulling out a camera, he wheels out an Xray machine! Nah, it ain't some giant format old-school bellows film camera, it's a fucking Xray machine! I wonder if he sets their online screen names in the lead at the bottom of the plate ("Dr. Love"). So this is more weird than scary. Upon closer inspection, this guy has a ton of cavities with fillings. Too bad. Maybe all that xray radiation is demineralizing his teeth. Notice the close proximity between his first cervical vertebrae, atlas, and occiput. Time to call the chiropractor. At least he'll have xrays ready. 

This guy is gonna need an xray if he slips on his ass juice and Crisco and busts his booty wide open with that bat! This really challenges the guidelines for safer sex, or common sense. Maybe laying down and shoving the bat up inside his backside would be less risky. That takes away from the thrill surely. That lonely fat butplug on the floor is of no use anymore now that he can take a tree limb. Next, he will be riding fire hydrants. I think the Gay Games should consider anal expansion as a competitive category. Forget being hung like a horse. You need to be hung like an elephant for this bat boy to feel anything. 


And what about splinters in your hemroids? Wouldn't an aluminum bat be a wiser choice? Now, is that a stack of green sponges by his right leg for when he breaks his water and needs to mop up his miscarriage? Good luck to Slugger trying to make a home run to jam more cunt rags up his hole with all his innards dragging behind him like a dragon tail. And when his mom visited last week, she didn't think he was a freak judging by those subdued green gingham shower curtains.

All these guys must not give a damn about what people say. Alright! They are probably thinking what Jayne County sings in her song "If You Don't Want To Fuck Me, Fuck Off!" which can be heard here (I could not find an online version of Texas Chainsaw Manicurist)  http://homepage.ntlworld.com/shaun.morris/AudioVideo/fuck.mov

Public/Pubic

Who can resist a nudist? Here are a few of outdoor photos of friendly neighborhood exhibitionists. Up first is this very formal classical violinist in an elegant tuxedo.

Surely he is a big hit with the local parents.

What a lovely day to sniff the daisy chains. I like the minimal body decoration in the form of the flowering weeds next to him.

Not quite a Herb Ritts photo, bud good enough for Not Shots. If he is unaware that his pants have fallen down, do you think he'll be able to figure out what's wrong with the engine? Time for a lube job!

It must be hard to get a ride as a hitch hiker if you have to resort to tossing your clothes. "Taxi! Follow that ass!"

In Your Area

This map and the accompanying ad text say it all:

 

Looking for local hookups.

Check the Bronx map

Green zones flexible and prefered

Red zone never on your life.

Yellow, sometimes, maybe.

Other zones, we can talk but

chances are I wont go there.

All of Manhattan south of

155th St is maybe but we need

to talk. Don't assume. 

Green Zone Codes are:

10466. 10467, 10469, 10462, 10461

10460, 10459, 10472, 10473, 10474

10455, 10454, 10465

Classy Ass

OK. Is this guy living in the closet or what? Can you imagine balling him in there with his face buried in a pile of shoes on the floor while you are inhaling moth ball fumes from the shelves? That has the makings of a hot fetish scene. Curtains go with the Xmas mess from the previous post. Excellent compositional balance with the ass centered between two sets of textiles.

This kid is sublime. His ass is positioned right above the quilt patch that is in the shape of a pussy. Utter brilliance.

This is genius advertising for Hennessy; try the Hennessy Black line next time for added effect. Nice ass too. Forget all that crap piled up in the background though. How safe is this though? I'd switch to plastic.

Clean Your Messy Ass

Where should I start with this mess?! Look at all that shit. Get him a dumpster for the over-decorated fake Xmas tree, the chess set... and that electric cable behind his shit-piled bed means he is hot!

Baby got back, and mismatched classic petite bourgeoisie wooden furniture. Look at all that crap by the staircase. That lampshade under the chair must be really useful. And what is all that shit on the Cuisinart box and table? Put away those clothes on the staircase banister. Call a gay man with taste to decorate your home or you ain't gettin' no dick muthafukkah!

What a fukking mess! My skin crawls from this clutter. I'd say throw a stick of dynamite in that apartment, but I think that was already done! He's got stuffed animals playing instruments piled on top of what is probably years worth of junk.

What is all that shit? Send the dumpster down to his house if there is any room in it after the Xmas clean up in the first shot. And with all of these cats, I have to wonder how they think this is appealing or attractive. I gotta go scrub the grout in my bathroom floor tiles now. Please excuse me.

Hot Bird

Nothing like a big bowl of Apple Jocks to get ya going in the morning.

That is a big hot cock, but I am not sure if I want to meet at his messy place. His Messy Place Only!

Nice foreskin. Nice snowman sheets on your kids bed from three winters ago.